Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Amateur Party Animal's Complete Guide to Survival

[Lessons from last night (and two previous others), the complete and unabridged edition]

The Amateur Party Animal's Complete Guide to Survival

Part I. How to Dance

If you are gifted with physical coordination, please do not read further; you have salvation. For the lesser beings, such as me, try the following:

1. Jerk your shoulders, not unlike an epileptic having a bout of fits. Do not be concerned about how stupid you'd look; the thing is to feign motion.

2. Pretend someone is texting you loads. This will give you reason to check your phone every 2.75 minutes and be immobile for an extended period of time.

3. Do NOT dance with somebody. It will only lead to embarrassment.

4. When you have exhausted every humanly possible way of jerking your shoulders, rest. You can also pretend that you are afflicted with an advanced case of UTI; visit the rest room every millisecond of the night.

Part II. How to drink

If you can pull it off, pretend that you are a Mormon, so you can pass on the alcohol. If you cant, bear these in mind:

1. A glass of cocktail is sipped (unfortunate pun), a bottle of beer is downed in a few gulps.

2. Do NOT ask if they serve Cali.

3. Do NOT attempt to order strangely named concoctions. You are an amateur and must be aware of your gastronomic limits.

4. Yosi goes along well with alcohol.

Part III. How to meet people

1. Randomly ask people about the time. Or where the rest room is. Or if they know Karl Marx. Or if they can spell burgeoisie. Or if they own a Stradivarius violin. Go figure if I'm kidding.

2. While in the mosh pit, deliberately step on people's feet. Hopefully, someone will wail in pain and punch you straight in the face.

3. Stare at people until they feel like paramecium under the microsope. If they smile, you're good. If they call management and the guard, run for dear life.

For more useless tips on how to survive the party jungle, await the rejoinder!

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