Anyone got the loony bin's number?

I think I'm ready for the sanitorium. I have two news articles to draft (deadline: 7 pm tonight), and my legwork is far from sufficient. My reaction paper on Socrates' "Apology" is weeks due. I just found out that I managed to flunk my second long exam in Calculus; the next exam is in two weeks, and I still don't know what a bleeping antiderivative is. And by the way, my mother's birthday is today. ■