The Amateur Party Animal's Complete Guide to Survival

[Lessons from last night (and two previous others), the complete and unabridged edition]

The Amateur Party Animal's Complete Guide to Survival

Part I. How to Dance

If you are gifted with physical coordination, please do not read further; you have salvation. For the lesser beings, such as me, try the following:

1. Jerk your shoulders, not unlike an epileptic having a bout of fits. Do not be concerned about how stupid you'd look; the thing is to feign motion.

2. Pretend someone is texting you loads. This will give you reason to check your phone every 2.75 minutes and be immobile for an extended period of time.

3. Do NOT dance with somebody. It will only lead to embarrassment.

4. When you have exhausted every humanly possible way of jerking your shoulders, rest. You can also pretend that you are afflicted with an advanced case of UTI; visit the rest room every millisecond of the night.

Part II. How to drink

If you can pull it off, pretend that you are a Mormon, so you can pass on the alcohol. If you cant, bear these in mind:

1. A glass of cocktail is sipped (unfortunate pun), a bottle of beer is downed in a few gulps.

2. Do NOT ask if they serve Cali.

3. Do NOT attempt to order strangely named concoctions. You are an amateur and must be aware of your gastronomic limits.

4. Yosi goes along well with alcohol.

Part III. How to meet people

1. Randomly ask people about the time. Or where the rest room is. Or if they know Karl Marx. Or if they can spell burgeoisie. Or if they own a Stradivarius violin. Go figure if I'm kidding.

2. While in the mosh pit, deliberately step on people's feet. Hopefully, someone will wail in pain and punch you straight in the face.

3. Stare at people until they feel like paramecium under the microsope. If they smile, you're good. If they call management and the guard, run for dear life.

For more useless tips on how to survive the party jungle, await the rejoinder!

Oooh, so I'm complicated, huh?

***

my latest project

http://coffeeandyosi.blogspot.com

[at the smoking lounge]
Me: Hello there, how are you?
Victim #1: Hi, not too bad!
Me: What's that on your face, lipstick?
Victim #1: Huh? Saan?
Me: There on your left cheek.
Victim #1: Really? ba't di mo sinabi agad?
Me: Wipe it away now, dali.
Victim #1: (wipes her cheek with her hankie, then looks at the hankie) Wala naman ah.
Me: Well, Happy April Fools.
Victim #1: (flashes me a bloddcurdling look) Oh you go to hell.

[at the stations]
Me: Hey, how's everything?
Victim #2: Not too bad, I had worse days, haha!
Me: What happened to your eye?
Victim #2: Puyat lang.
Me: No, it's just your left eye. Parang kinagat ng insekto, namamaga kaya.
Victim #2: Hala, talaga... (grabs the mirror on her desk) Hindi naman a...
Me: Look closer.
Victim #2: Hindi naman e... (by now very worried)
Me: Have I greeted you happy April Fools already?
Victim #2: Oh f*ck you!

Contemplathings IX

1. log-out time at work
2. to-do lists and their waning influence on me
3. Melane, Batangas
4. going back to school, Biology
5. to apply or not to apply for a promotion
6. Beren and Luthien (The Silmarillion)
7. hotdogs and instant pancit canton
8. Clean & Clear oil control films